No one wakes up in the morning and says, I think I will find some way to be offended today….it just happens. You never know what will set you off, perhaps you get cut off in traffic, you receive a rude comment while standing in line, or maybe you are wrongfully accused over a simple misunderstanding.
Nine times out of ten, the greatest culprit for offense is miss-communication. Typically it may not even be from the choice of words that are used, but rather the tone of voice or attitude in which they are delivered. The mind is triggered, which then leads to a nonnegotiable miss-understanding, and then a full blown state of offense.
I have recently had such a incident. We both thought we were on the “same page”, but quickly it became apparent that we were not; another simple misunderstanding, and a lesson to be learned on my part. These lessons are not easy as I fight the inner battle of feelings, the one side arguing that I have been wrongfully judged and the other side reminding me that I am accountable and responsible, to any and all feelings produced, of which I allow to stay, and choose to take ownership.
I know that was a mouthful. Bottom line, thoughts trigger emotions. Any thought entertained in the mind long enough produces and emotion that fuels an action; therefore, we become the owner and creator of all emotions. I believe that to live elegantly means to show up responsible for ones emotions. I couldn’t let a hurt pride and injured emotions become a stumbling block and stand in my way. Rather, I could recognize this as another opportunity to learn a valuable lesson on my path of daily progress.
Experience has taught me that when I become emotionally charged there is usually a lesson that I am about to be taught. My lesson this time was in the form of a message. And that message is, to be offended is to be in a state opposite of Elegant (the process of refinement). In other words, when one chooses to go to the state of offense, one halts the process of growth and development.
I began seeing clearly the incorrect message of which I had been reading. This was another example that the Heavens were offering me. A strong illustration of my tendency to take ownership rather than partnership. Ownership is to control something. Partnership with God stops that battle of control, delegating to you your personal responsibility, and opening the path for His strength and power. I have seen great things happen when I choose to stand in partnership.
In my early years I struggled to control anger. In my efforts to control I began to see a pattern, anger would only arise when I…
- had allowed myself to obsess over and over on a negative situation, a personal fear, or unhappy thought.
- become overly tired by repeatedly cutting my hours of sleep for several days,
- had allowed my daily spiritual preparation to be missed over a period of time,
- and/or being in a state of unbalance with one or more of the 7 human needs.
Any of these four will make me more susceptible to nervousness and quick temper. All are ingredients which create an in eruption taking me quickly from calm and control to frustration and anger. On the other hand, when I honor my limits, and partner with God, I am in glorious spirits. The ups and downs of conquering the world become a simple task for the day.
Each of the 7 needs when gone unfulfilled, will give off signals or what you might call clues that can easily be read. By being alert and observing ones reactions to other people and situations you will get a clear picture as to which need is absent or lacking. For example, one of my clients was suddenly thrown into full time work due to an unforeseen family situation. Her time was consumed with keeping up young children, family needs and running several business. She expressed the feelings of being shut-down and blocked, and that she was beginning to doubt her own personal and professional abilities.
Listening to her, I could clearly see that her creativity was being shut down and that she had a need to feel inspired, to use her imagination and create a clear vision in her life. I suggested that she take some dancing classes, an artistic outlet and something she missed and loved to do. In the past she had not allowed her self this creative outlet, unable to justify the time involvement because she felt the weight of all the daily responsibilities.
Four weeks later while visiting with this client, she expressed a feeling of being alive again. She stopped taking ownership and stepped into partnership. Now she had hope. Her daily tasks, although still filled with challenges, were falling into place. She felt her confidence return and was overflowing with ideas and a stronger vision for her future.
For me, It was partnership that won the battle of mastering the emotion of anger, and now I understand that this partnership will also master the emotion of being offended. Watching the reactions of yourself and others is as easy as opening a book. Once you begin to see the patterns repeated over and over, you can zero in on which need is crying for some attention. Choosing to stay positively focused creates a beautiful mind, sharp and quick to counter-act the bombardment of negative reactions. Partnership is truly a life of Elegance.
Below is the 7 important human Needs and the reactions one notices when unfulfilled;
- The Need for Passion – Unfulfilled reaction….argumentative, callous, depression, apathy
- The Need for Agency – Unfulfilled reaction….feeling of limitation, resistance, taking offense
- The Need for Acknowledgment – Unfulfilled reaction…..Ignore, Disregard, Fearful, Overbearing.
- The Need for Love – Unfulfilled reaction…Dislike, Insecure, Disgust
- The Need for being Valued – Unfulfilled reaction…Belittled, Discourage, Criticize
- The Need for Creativity – Unfulfilled reaction…Shut-down, Inability, Blocked
- The Need for Security – Unfulfilled reaction…Insecure, Indecision, Confused, Doubt.